Why Don Lever can't be the next coach

1. Don Lever is not a French name. Maybe if we stuck an accident on the E we could all delude ourselves into thinking it was French. But his first name is still Donald and that just isn't French at all.... Maybe he should change his name to "Clod Joolee-ehn" things would be different.
   
2. He doesn't speak French. How will he communicate to the media if he can't speak French? What type of coach would he be if he can't speak to the media and tell them all the things that are wrong with all his softy European players?! How will he complain about Koivu for not speaking French? How will he give the media all the dirt on those mob-affiliated Kostitsyn brothers? How can he say that Kovalev is lazy and doesn't give a damn about winning? How can he complain about his useless goalies? How can he endlessly praise the French Canadian players on the team? Exactly! He can't!!!!
   
3. He's from some place called South Porcupine in some foreign and evil land called Ontario. South Porcupine is not a French name (then it'd be Porc-epic Sud) and Ontario just ain't Quebec. They don't have any people who speak French in Ontario.
   
4. He has experience. Some might call that a good thing, but in this city, you don't need experience. Unless that experience is in speaking to the media in French that is. All those years as assistant coach in Buffalo? Useless. They don't speak French in Buffalo and therefore he has zippo experience in dealing with the French media. That Memorial Cup thing with the Hamilton Bulldogs? Useless. All those players spoke English or some other similar foreign language. And besides, Hamilton is in that ENGLISH place called Ontario. Boooo!
   
5. They tell me that he's a good communicator with his players. Hah! USELESS! In this city, you don't communicate with your players directly. You communicate with them via the media. You tell the media that you think they're doing a good job and then the media goes and tells the players that you said that they suck. That's how it works around here. But wait! Lever can't do that because he can't speak French and therefore can't talk to the media!

So there you have it. Don Lever can't be the next head coach so we'll just have to go and hire Patrick Roy or maybe Mario Tremblay. I heard he did a great job with the Canadiens in the '90s.

In case it wasn't painfully obvious, I'm being incredibly sarcastic here.