"How to get a woman to love hockey"

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

This thing appeared on e-how. It's a guide to getting your apparently stupid girlfriend to get into hockey. I think this article deserves to be reposted here with some snarky EP interjections in between.

How to get a woman to love hockey [aka how to get yourself punched in the face by a woman]

You are the "ultimate hockey fan." You live, breathe, taste, and experience the fanatics of insult bashing, skates clashing, pucks soaring, hitting, thumping, shoving, tripping, elbow shoving, "in your face" winter sports action on the ice called, HOCKEY! [Soaring pucks? What is this, baseball? "And Ovechkin hits the puck. It's going, going, gone! He homers! The Capitals take the lead 1-0 in the first inning err period!" No idea what all this thumping, elbow shoving and skates clashing stuff is either.... ]

Each year, you ceremoniously welcome the sporting season by donning your teams colors from head to toe and rooting them to victory. [Why wait until the fall? I wear my teams' colours all year round] With each new season, you thrill for that first time feeling of cold brisk air that will run across your face as the hockey players make their way up and down the ice. The smell of fresh popped popcorn, decadent treats [what's decadent about a hotdog? Okay, so maybe the price is decadent but the food itself definitely isn't decadent] and cheering fans bring you almost to a point of ecstasy. The excitement of winning, the players, the playoffs, the Stanley Cup.........the very essence of what makes a man a "real man!" HOCKEY!

However, this season has a new added addition to the roster.....a girlfriend. She understands that YOU love the game of hockey but can't understand why men enjoy pushing and shoving each other in the cold, getting beat up, slapped [slapped? You must be a fan of Semin!] and whacked over the head with a hockey stick, all for just getting that tiny little round "thingamabob" into a net! ["thingamabob"? Are you kidding me? Even my dog knows what a puck is for crying out loud] It is just beyond her imagination. How could a woman possibly understand a "real man's" sport and come to love it almost as much as he loves her? Is there some magic to making her understand the “mojo” of a man and his sport? What's a man to do? [Right. A woman would never ever get hockey. Nope. Never. Ever. They're just like, so dumb]

Maybe the solution to a better understanding of the game of hockey, is to take your girl to see the action, up close and personal! [how up close is it going to be if you can only afford tickets way up in the rafters?]

Difficulty: Moderately Easy
Things You'll Need:

* A camera
* Spending money
* A hockey brochure [what the hell is that for?]
* A hockey souvenier [I think you mean "souvenir"]
* A hockey logo blanket [Unless you're planning on sleeping, that's pointless]
* A Bell to ring [No noise making things are needed]
* A few insults to yell
* Warm clothes to snuggle [snuggle? You do NOT snuggle at a hockey game]

Step 1

Don't make things too complicated. Explain the game of hockey in layman terms; There are players, a stick, a puck, a goal, a referee and whole lot of hooting and a hollering. The object of the game is for one team to get that tiny little round black object (the puck) in the net to score. [no way! Players? A stick? (just one? Do they share?) A puck? What is all this? I thought hockey was played by ducks who used spoons to put the ball into the hoop?! This is like, totally shocking to me. Wow!]

Step 2

You will totally confuse her if you say, "There are three basic kinds of players: forwards, defensemen, and goaltenders (goalies). Unless a team is shorthanded due to a penalty or overtime, each team will have six players on the ice during play. Three forwards line up at the front of the team, and they are (from left to right) the left wing, the center, and the right wing. Two defensemen line up behind them, one on the left and one on the right. The goalie is the sixth player. [I've got images of the players lining up and doing the macarena when you keep mentioning all this "lining up" stuff] The forwards are responsible for most of the offense, and they tend to stay out front, while the defensemen are largely responsible for hanging back and making sure they are ready to protect the defensive zone. The goalie rarely strays far from his crease, but he does skate out and pass pucks to the other players." [So how is she supposed to learn about the game if you don't explain it to her? And what do you mean "the goalie rarely strays far from his crease"? Have you ever seen Turco play?]

Step 3

Follow these tips and guidelines designed to make your girl love the game of hockey. In no time flat, the second next #1 hockey fan ["second next #1 hockey fan?" Is that good English?] will be the girl who can appreciate the finer things in sports...........hot dogs, chicken fingers, chips, popcorn, peanuts, soft drinks and ice cold beer combined with great skating and some occasional damn good brawls. [I didn't realize the finer parts of a sport was the crap food. A brawls only count if you're a Flyers fan] You can't ask for better.....a girl in one hand, a beer in the other and watching the love of your life, HOCKEY! [You need to get your priorities straight, dude]

Tips & Warnings

Show your girl attention. Ask her if she is enjoying the game. Don't ignore her. [well, if you're going to bring her, you sure as hell better not ignore her!]

Get a program and show her some of the players. Women love a man "in the know." [you need a program for that?]

Offer to buy her a team logo blanket to share during the game. You can enjoy snuggling together. You will definitely score points practicing this tip. [A blanket? Are you kidding me? It's a freaking INDOOR arena. And what is with this snuggling stuff? Were you not loved enough as a child?]

Show her the game souvenirs and buy her some of those cute team earrings. She will love you for that. [she won't love you if she doesn't like earrings]

Give her spending money so she can partake of all those delicious foods offered at the concessions while you watch the ice babes at the end of the quarter. [What do you eat on a daily basis to consider this crap they have at arenas "delicious" food? And what quarter? This is HOCKEY. There's three periods.]

Kiss her every time your team scores. [Unless of course she's doing what everyone else is doing which is jumping up and clapping]

Share with her some of your favorite "insults" that you enjoy throwing out at the game. [Finally something intelligent here! Yes, by all means teach how to diss the opposing team!]

Give her a camera to use during the game. Tell her you would love to have pictures of your time together. (This will keep her busy forever!) [better hope she's not taking pics of you passed out drunk in the stands....]

Let her use your binoculars. So what if you are down front near the ice. She can use them to "people watch." Warning: Take them away if you find she is spending too much time using them on the players and smiling. [Oh so it's okay for YOU to look at the icegirls but it's not okay for her to look at the players? Wow, that is what I call hypocrisy!]

Teach her the team chants. She will feel important and useful. [The you put that sounds so demeaning. Everyone should feel important singing "Ole!"]

Buy her drinks. She will surely enjoy the game after more than one toddy. If she decides she wants to go down on the ice and skate with the players, it is time to cut her off! [I'd love it if my girlfriend wanted to go and skate with the players. No matter how drunk she was. Not that I advocate getting my gilfriend drunk at a hockey game...]

Thank her for coming the game with you and tell her how much more exciting it is with her there. [Oh now I see why you wanted to get her drunk. So you could make it easier to lie to her!]

Show her understanding and don't laugh at her when she cries over the player who cracks open his skull open on the ice and has to be carried out on a stretcher. She has a sensitive side. [Oh yeah, it's hilarious when a player could have just had his career ended because he got his skull cracked open. HAHAHAHA! Funny! Seriously.. what the hell?]

Hold her hand on occasion and let her know how nice it is to have her right beside you watching your "dream team" together. [More lies!]

Teach her how to pass a hot dog down 3 rows across 10 people victoriously. [What is this? I've never seen or heard of this happening in a hockey game before? Is this some weird ritual they do in Phoenix?]

Don't go "gaga" over the ice babes at half time. (Only when she is in the restroom) [how about you don't go "gaga" over a pile of idiots anyway? And for the last time... This is HOCKEY. There are no quarters, no half times, no innings, no sets. There are THREE PERIODS!!!]

Don't drink too much and don't spill your food all over her. [If anybody spilled anything on me, I'd dropkick them into the stands WAY below....]

Keep your opposing fan slurs to a bare minimum because she still thinks you never use words like that in public. [I'm sure she's never sworn in her life...]

Make sure your girl is warmly dressed. The ice arena can be cold and too much snuggling will hinder your game enthusiasm. [But YOU wanted the snuggling in the first place!!!!!]

Don't tell her you once saw a hockey game, where one of the players was hit in the face point-blank by a hockey puck and they literally picked his teeth up off the ice afterwards or that he returned to the game with a mouth full of packing and a frozen face, and proceeded to play another regular period followed by two 20-minute overtime periods, and a bit of a third. Women just don't understand the best part of the game. [Why wouldn't she understand the amount of grit and dedication it takes for a player who was just injured to come back onto the ice like that? Oh right. She's an idiot]

When the game is over, give her a great big hug and tell her you can't wait for her to join you at the next game. [all this lying is bad for your relationship] If she want to know if she can wear that adorable red and white outfit that she thinks will match your team's colors, make sure you oblige her by saying, "I can't imagine anything that would look better!" [How about you buy her a REAL hockey shirt?] Your real thought being, "except the time you saw an opposing player's collarbone break when he is slammed into a goalpost or when your favorite player crushed his right hand when he used it to break his fall after being cross-checked from behind."[Yeah, I love watching my favorite players get injured too. It's like, the best thing ever!]

Go home and thank God for a great evening. Most important, pray they have hockey in heaven! [if you keep this behavior up, you might end up in heaven sooner rather than later]

This like more like how to breed a puckbunny. And we certainly don't need anymore of those thank you!


Number31 said...

There are no more programs. The NHL has gone green. (Which killed a nice tradition). But frankly this e-how guide thingy is absolutely rediculous... Who thought up this crap?! Maybe it was the same people who opened that Capitals "for the ladies" website and invented pink hockey sweaters. Hmm!

Eternal Pessimist said...

Seriously...I was torn between being infuriated and highly amused by this in a morbid sort of way... I think whoever wrote this - and it was written by a woman too - must be behind those pink jerseys....

Grrrreg said...

This cracked me up... I loved this post, you're in mid-season shape, EP!
But seriously, this was written by a woman?! This is sad...

Eternal Pessimist said...

=) someone had to be the recipient of my snarkiness *g*

And yeah, it's very sad that this was written by a woman =(

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