Conspiracy theory of the hour!

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Do you want to know who is to blame for all of this? Do you really? Are you ready for it?

It's the Ottawa Senators.

Yup. I know we've heard "reports" that Koivu and/or Kovalev were the problem and recently Carbonneau has been blamed for the Habs crap season. But guess what? All lies. The Senators are really the ones who are behind this. It's simple. Listen.

They tanked on purpose so we would think that they were bad and not give them a second thought. Then while we weren't paying attention to them they started working on their ebil - yes EBIL with a B - plans. First, they made friends with the French media because if you're going to spread rumors and whatnot, you need a very eager and over-the-top media outlet. With the aid of their new-found friends, they spread around rumors that Koivu liked to steal everyone's socks after the games and that he'd make them into sock puppets, name them Spezza, Grabs and Mikko, before feeding them to his dog. This naturally upset the players because nobody wants to have their socks turned into a puppet and named "Grabs". Hence the animosity in the dressing room towards Koivu.

In terms of Price's huge meltdown, that's no secret either. They freaked him out completely by telling him that he could end up just like Justin Pogge. One day they cornered him and showed him footage of Justin Pogge. The tape started with Pogge winning various tournaments being surrounded by happy people. There was Pogge at the WJC surrounded by gazillions of adoring fans. Then the images faded away and there was Pogge standing in a dark arena. There was nobody there save for him a few other weirdly dressed people. This was the Ricoh Coliseum where the Toronto Marlies played. Yes, even a gold medal at the WJC didn't save Pogge from the fate of having to play for the Baby Leafs. Day after day Pogge would forlornly skate to his position in front of the net and in the dim light, he would valiantly stand there and attempt to stop the puck. The point of this, they told Price, was that he could end up just like Pogge. When Price pointed out that he was already enjoying considerably more success than Pogge was, they told him that Carey sounded like a girls' name and everyone was making stupid jokes about his last name. Plagued by self doubt about his name and the nagging feeling that maybe he could end up like Pogge, Price has never been the same since...

As for Kovalev, they spiked his drink with a special disease called "tuneout" which is basically where you randomly tune out at the most inconvenient times. Not much is known about this disease but current research has shown that it is indeed very contagious. That explains why everyone that plays on the same line as Kovalev has gone MIA during the games. That's why Pleky has gone out of it. That's why Andrei Kostitsyn looks dead as a door nail on skates.

In Sergei's case however, the Sens didn't have to do anything to take him out. They just sought out the dudes in Toronto and suggested that signing Grabovski would be better than getting Ovechkin (not that he was available, but the Leafs didn't really know that). Once Grabs was playing for the most hated team in the history of hated teams, it was only a matter of time before someone tried to knock him out. The only little snag in that problem came when Grabs got into a fight with his own teammates instead of the opposition. Well, I would have tried to knock out Jason Blake too.

You know how things seemed to be doing quite well until Lang went byebye? Well, that's not a coincidence either. Lang's very perky manner which so annoyed me at the beginning of the year, actually had a great affect on the team. Mr. Perky may not have been the second coming of Maurice Richard or anything, but he kept everyone upbeat even if they weren't doing amazingly well. Obviously the Ebil Sens couldn't have that to so they brainwashed the Bruins to take Lang out. Boom. As a bonus they also took out Latendresse for a few weeks. What you all didn't know was that Latendresse was heir to the Freezer Which Contained Great Frozen Food. When he got knocked out for a few weeks, he took the Freezer with him and as such the Habs didn't have all their great frozen food to enjoy. We suspect that there were also more than a few beers locked up in that freezer as well.

At this point the Sens decided they needed better plan to get rid of the Kostitsyn brothers (you see, they hated them because they could never say their names right and as such they felt like dolts) so they hatched one in which they had them connected to some guy who had some connections to some mob people. Then they fed their story to the French press who then went bananas. Presto.

At this time, they felt it safe to go back to being good again, so they dumped Hartsburg, and brought up some dude called Cory Clouston. They further threatened all their players with a trade to Toronto unless they got their act together immediately. Problem solved for the Sens. Sorta. It's called a "quick fix". Somehow the Sens always do better when they get threatened with move to Toronto. And somehow they always forget about the threats and so the peeps higher up have to start again...

So you must be wondering where Carbonneau fits into this, right? Well around this time, when it became abundantly clear that the media had screwed up and hadn't done their job properly with regards to the Kostitsyn case, they decided that it was time for some more drastic measures. One day, while the Habs were in Dallas and everyone's attention was focused in Texas, they kidnapped Bob Gainey and replaced him with John Ferguson Jr. He only looks like Bob because they changed him aruond a little bit... Anyway, with JFJ now in charge it was only a matter of time before the Habs completely plummeted. Carbonneau was fired, and JFJ took over behind the bench. And that's that.

Wow. That went on longer than I thought it would........


HabsTwit said...

makes about as much sense as anything else this year.

Damn those EBIL SENS.

kristin said...

I think you may have finally lost your mind!

Eternal Pessimist said...

I think I lost my mind a long time ago... this was just more proof =p

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